


Best. Wish. Ever.

by rorywritesstuff



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), The Wizard of Oz & Related Fandoms
Genre: As in Literal Wish Fulfillment, Djinni & Genies, Gen, Magic, Oz - Freeform, Strawberries, TARDIS Rooms, Time Travel, Wish Fulfillment, Wishes, Wizard of Oz References, teleporting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-09 21:57:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10422669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rorywritesstuff/pseuds/rorywritesstuff
Summary: -What would you do if you had three wishes?-TARDIS.





	1. Best. Wish. Ever.

**Author's Note:**

> Based off a conversation with a friend.

“Okay,” Louis said, “new topic: what would you wish for if you found a genie’s lamp?”  
“That’s easy-”  
“No wishing for more wishes.”  
“Well then-”  
“No wishing for the power to grant your own wishes.”  
“In that case-”  
“No mind control.”  
I stopped. For some reason, this felt very important. I didn’t want to waste my hypothetical wishes. “Um, in that case…” Flight? Strength? Telekinesis? “I think I’d wish for…” Riches? Power? Always getting the seat by the window on planes? “Um…” Of course! “The TARDIS! I’d wish that I had the Doctor’s TARDIS from Doctor Who!”  
“Good answer,” Louis nodded. And then smoke started to billow from his hands. “Done.”  
I’d suspected for a while that Louis was a genie. Well, no I hadn’t, but I didn’t want to lose face in the moment. I watched as the smoke formed into the shape of the familiar blue box and then suddenly solidified, leaving a fully-formed, three-dimensional, completely real TARDIS in its wake.  
I turned to Louis, “It’s kind of small.”  
I was hoping he’d reply ‘it’s bigger on the inside’, “These are the TARDIS’ exact dimensions.” Oh well, you can’t have everything.  
I ran forward and tried the door. It was locked. I turned to see Louis smiling broadly, “You wished that you had the TARDIS. You possess it, and it works perfectly. You never specified having the key.”  
I hold out my hand, “The key.” And then I remember my manners, “Please.”  
“Is that your second wish?”  
“I would argue that that was included in my first wish.”  
Louis shakes his head, still smiling. “You wished to have the TARDIS; you still _have_ a Rubik’s cube, even if you can’t work it.”  
“But you don’t have a spare room if you can’t open it.”  
Louis waved his hand, “This is a matter of semantics.”  
“‘Our whole life is a matter of semantics,’” this was one of my favourite quotes. I am a massive pedant. I tried to think who had said this originally, “I wish I could remember who-”  
Louis raised a wry eyebrow and I immediately stopped talking. He pointed at himself, “I make the rules and I decree that you don’t get the key with your first wish. So, do you want it?” He made a gesture like a magician revealing a playing card and the key was between his fingers.  
Sadly for him, I’d already thought of a better way to use my second wish. “I wish I knew how to operate the TARDIS perfectly, including,” this was the clever bit, “how to open the doors with a click of my fingers.” Thank God for Moffat and his stupid in-jokes.  
Louis nodded his head, he was clearly impressed. I felt a wealth of knowledge flow through me, new synapses knitting themselves in my brain and muscle memories growing in my fingers. In my mind’s eye, I saw the TARDIS console and it was like looking at a QWERTY keyboard- I instinctively knew what everything did, every shortcut and combination, and what to avoid pressing if I didn’t want to end life as we know it.  
I spun on my heel and clicked my fingers, the door swung open and gave a tantalising, but somewhat disorienting glimpse of the inside. I’d never realised how odd it would be to see the TARDIS’ physics-defying dimensions in reality. It kind of gave me a headache.  
“And for your third wish?”  
“Not a clue. Gonna go and push some buttons.” I ran inside.  
“I have other things to do today!” Louis called out behind me, indignantly. 

It was the Ninth Doctor’s console, the first one I’d seen- it looked improvised and messy and I loved it. The entire thing was bathed in gold light. I flicked a switch and the colour palette changed to turquoise, then pink, and then with a zup the entire room changed to the weird parabola thing the Eleventh Doctor had for a while. I ran to the other side and started pressing more buttons: I could do this all day.  
Louis appeared beside me and said, “I kind of need you to make a third wish. I want to be in bed before ten.”  
I didn’t look at him as I jabbed at a button, switching on the engines, and initiating that iconic, electrifying, mesmerizing wheeze as the machine set off. “Oh, I’ll have you back by ten.” I cackled.  
“I know what you’re planning and I’ll just teleport away.”  
“You don’t want to be my companion?” I turned to him. I was kind of hurt.  
“Not especially, I’ve got my own thing going on.” He was studying his nails.  
“Fine. For my third wish,” there were a million things I could think of: I could wish for a sonic screwdriver; I could wish for an awesome theme-tune; hell, I could wish to know where to go. But there was something I figured I’d need if I was going to take this any further. “I wish I could survive in any environment: terrestrial or non-.”  
“Done.”  
Again I felt the rush of my body gaining a hundred new skills at once. Especially noticeable was the growth of a new lung; if you’ve never had a new organ spontaneously materialise inside you…I don’t recommend it.  
“Okay, you’re done, I’m out.” Louis clapped and held his hands up in the air.  
“Wait, will I see you again?”  
“I hope not. For my sake.”  
“You know I can just follow you around in my teleporting time machine, right?”  
“That’s called stalking.”  
He had a point. “Okay then, and I have always wanted to say this: get the hell off my spaceship.”  
“Done.” And he was gone.  
I was all alone in the TARDIS. I suddenly realised, I didn’t know how big it really was- they don’t show all of it in the TV series. It was just me, in a very large building. It was like when my parents used to go on holiday when I was a teenager; I suddenly had a strong urge to ask if I could sleep at the neighbours’.  
And then I remembered that all of time and space was at my fingertips.  
I looked at the monitor and then started spinning cranks and pressing buttons. “I feel like…strawberries!” I announced to no one in particular. “Take me to the best strawberries in the universe!


	2. The Strawberry Caper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted some strawberries.

Strawberries! Strawberries as far as the eye could see, further even. The brightest, biggest, fullest, reddest, ripest, plumpest, most appetising strawberries you could conceive. And all of them belonged to the Wicked Witch of the East.  
She was never seen to eat a single fruit herself, but if anyone ever dared set foot in her fields, let alone pluck a strawberry from the vine, she would appear with a great bang of fire and a huge cloud of smoke. People would prostrate themselves before her, begging for forgiveness, and with a wave of her hand, she would slay them, every one.  
I can only imagine what she would have done had a TARDIS landed on one of her beloved fields. In point of fact, when I materialised on her world, she was just about to carry out one of these ritual executions. She stood before the assembled masses, hands on hips, malicious smile on her face and evil glint in her eyes.  
“Please, your excellency,” begged one of the huddled masses, “we didn’t mean any harm.”  
“Your intentions are entirely irrelevant. What matters is you trespassed. Against me. That is unforgivable.”  
“Kill us if you must, excellency, but please spare the children.” The man gestured to the three little ones clutching at his legs.  
“No, I think I’ll kill them first. I have an aversion to orphans.” She let out a brief laugh, filled with spite and cruelty. And then she began to chant.  
As she raised her arms to complete her spell, the great blue box began to swirl and form just at the place where she was standing. Flashes of a great control room, full of technology, briefly filled her sight and then vanished and then reappeared. The crowd she had been about to fell, were gone then once more before her, then gone again. A wheezing sound filled the air.  
She faltered, disoriented; her hands fell to her side and her eyes darted about, trying to understand what was happening- she’d never seen anything like this before. It was magic beyond what she could comprehend. She wasn’t the type to scream, but she did let out a low gasp. What had come to her small, little world?  
“Hello.” I waved and smiled, sunnily. I had no idea who she was at that point, and I felt quite rude having just materialised around her. I was trying to make sure she wouldn’t sue. “I’m-”  
“Who are you?” She screeched, throwing her arms wide, clearly trying to save face and reassert dominance despite her disorientation.  
“Well, I was trying to tell you that when you interrupted. I’m-”  
She let loose a volley of fire at me. I ducked and it fizzled against the metallic stairs.  
I’m not going to lie, I was slightly affronted. “Madame! That is very impolite. I’m sorry that I-”  
“You’ll not take my strawberries!” She roared and threw another arc of flame at me. At this point, I was beginning to suspect that litigation was inevitable.  
“Look, I don’t even know- did you say strawberries?”  
“Ha!” She splayed her fingers wide and a dozen dirty, horrid spiders began flying from her fingertips and swarming the console of my TARDIS. Murder I can handle, but letting in vermin? Too far.  
“Fine, if you’re going to be like that…” I pulled a lever at the console, deftly swatting one of the arachnids as I did. The floor beneath the witch opened up and she gently tumbled into the brig below. “And you’ll stay in there until you’re ready to apologise.” I called down. She responded with another burst of flame. I dodged it and decided to step outside. I was hungry for strawberries.  
As I opened the door, I heard a crowd cheering.  
“She’s dead! She’s dead!” They called. “The Wicked Witch is dead!”  
“Actually-” I began to try to explain the concept of remand, or provisional detention, but they interrupted me, rudely.  
“Kind stranger, you have rid us of a great evil: allow us to repay you. We are a meek, humble people, without much to offer, so we’ll give you the dead woman’s stuff. Please, help yourself to some strawberries.”  
I decided the legalese could wait. I ran forward and pulled a single, succulent fruit from the vine. I was just about to taste it when a tiny child asked, “Sir, what kind of wizard are you?”  
“I’m not a wizard,” I answered, annoyed that people kept interrupting me.  
“Well then, how did you kill the witch?” Its eyes were wide with wonder.  
“I didn’t. She’s trapped inside.” I motioned vaguely to the TARDIS. I really wanted to be eating delicious strawberries right now.  
“What?” Cried one of the women; she seemed very, very angry. “You didn’t finish her?”  
“I never started her.”  
“Let’s storm this machine and kill the witch!” Cried one of the mob.  
“What? No! You can’t murder someone in my TARDIS- you’ll scratch it!”  
But they weren’t listening- one of the man gave a great bellow and the whole crowd moved to the box, grabbing at it from every possible angle.  
“Stop!” I yelled, to no avail. The men, the women, the children, they were pushing and pulling my beloved blue box in a blind fury, presumably hoping to shake the witch to death. They couldn’t even dent it, obviously, let alone hope to get inside, but it was certainly unpleasant to watch. The sky began to darken. “Please, don’t! Look, let’s just-”  
And then my voice was drowned out by a great rush of air- the sound of a thousand leathery wings flapping in rough unison. The crowd began to scream, and scatter in terror. I looked up- what I had first taken to be clouds seemed in fact to be made of thousands and thousands of monkeys, soaring through the air like mosquitoes. I like to think I took this in my stride and before doing anything, I grabbed a strawberry and shoved it in my mouth.  
It was pretty damn delicious.  
With that done, I hurried inside to run away. The witch was still hurling insults from the brig, but I ignored her. Where to go? Where to go? Back to earth was the obvious choice, but I didn’t particularly fancy setting the witch free on my hometown. Maybe I could drop her off somewhere near the moon.  
I was just beginning to tap in the coordinates, when the TARDIS lurched violently. I fell against the railings at the side and all the air was forced from my lungs. Another horrid jolt, and my stomach turned to mud, just like it does when a plane takes off- we were moving upwards. The monkeys were a lot stronger than the peasants, it would seem.  
I heard a cackle from the brig. I guessed the witch and the monkeys were in cahoots.  
“Do you have something to do with this?” I called.  
“Not me, my sister. You won’t like her.”  
“What are they going to do?” Every time I tried to stand, the machine shook once more and I was thrown to the ground.  
“Take you to her castle; and there she’ll slit your throat.”  
“Not if I can help it!”  
“You can’t.” The witch laughed again and I decided to focus on the problem at hand. I began to crawl along the floor to the console. 

Unseen by me, the witch was struck by inspiration. She lifted up her skirt slightly and surveyed her glittering silver shoes. She clicked the shiny heels together thrice and pictured her kingdom of strawberries, the exact spot where she’d been standing when I’d inadvertently abducted her. And then, as she though it was made of smoke instead of matter, she stepped through the walls of the TARDIS, took another step mid-air and then landed daintily on the ground where she’d been, minutes earlier.  
She looked up; the TARDIS was directly above her. She began a soft chant and the grass around her withered in a perfect circle. 

Back in the control room, I was at the keyboard. I didn’t want to materialise with the monkeys hanging on- God knows if they’d travel along with me. Better just to scare them off. 

Beneath, the witch’s spell was beginning to intensify; the air grew hot and thick, random frissons of red lightning snapped off her skin at nothing in particular, the ground began to warp at her feet. And a dark, creeping shadow began to reach upwards to the machine.

I jammed a button, flicked a switch, and span a pinwheel for good luck. With any luck this should cause…

…a crackle of electricity at the top of the TARDIS. A bright burst of light from the beacon at the very top. The sound of an air horn. The monkeys, more from shock than anything, let go of the blue box. 

I slammed to the floor, brought low by gravity once again.

The witch had maybe half a second to consider her fate before the TARDIS smashed down straight on top of her. 

I righted myself, dusted down my clothes and peeked outside to check if anyone was hurt. I looked down and saw the witch’s feet, bedecked in rather garish silver shoes, peeking out from under my TARDIS. I decided to get out of there before the police arrived.

****  
In another part of the world, Magnus stepped through the door, yawning widely.  
“What’s made you so sleepy?” Asked Thom, looking up from his tome.  
“Ugh, there’s a new TARDIS key in England,” he waved generally in the direction of the country and stretched again, “It’s set off my allergies. My head’s about to burst.”  
“Someone made a TARDIS key?” Thom shut his book and placed it down carefully. “How?”  
“Genie magic.” Magnus managed to articulate through his yawn.  
“Oh, now that’s good. Who’s got it now?”  
“The genie.”  
“Even better.” Thom clapped his hands together excitedly and when they separated he was holding two long, thin knives. “Let’s go and get it.”


End file.
